Adedoyin Adewole

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Adedoyin Adewole
Wednesday 17 August 2022

WHEN THE SHADOWS STARE

I stare and the world dances before me

I blink and the world stands still

But only for a moment 

These tears get me nowhere 

I draw my sword against myself 

While holding a torch

I cannot see so far

Yet I blame the world

So what do I do

What do I do

I don’t know what to do

I’ve sang that mantra for so long

My lips have become chapped 

The words blur against each other

They have become slurred

Tell me

What is this endless fight

If I cannot see surely I can hear

Who knew the demons I feared were within and not outside me

I stay like dead wood

Wondering who or what will come to save me

Alas I’m a victim of myself 



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Adedoyin Adewole
Wednesday 17 August 2022

FRUITS IN THE VOID

I’m shouting

I’m screaming 

But there are no sounds

I’m thrashing 

I’m pounding the door 

Yet there is no scratch in sight 

What am I 

And what is this

Where am I 

Who am I

And what is bliss

I walk the path 

But where are my feet

I feel the grass

It only flows through me

My hands are clean

No, I have no hands

I’m not here

I never was

Where am I 

Is this all a lie

Where did the door go

And what are these things next to me



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Adedoyin Adewole
Wednesday 17 August 2022

MOTH

I stay perched at the window net for an hour or two 

Then this girl passed through 

Taking pictures like she’s never seen a moth

Why do I intrigue her

What about me piques her interest 

After all I’m certain she’ll kill me in different circumstances 

Boredom does things I guess

I realize she was the one in the kitchen

I wonder how I look through her eyes

She’s checking if I’m alive

But I don’t budge 

I flew away after a while

Almost certain she’ll come back to check if I was still there

At the window net of the kitchen



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Adedoyin Adewole
Wednesday 17 August 2022

MIRROR (A CONVERSATION BETWEEN ADEDOYIN AND OMOLARA

Why

Who

How

When

Where

Questions I ask on a regular basis

I’m tired of trying to prove anything 

I’m sick of hearing the truth

I don’t want to deal with the pain

But no amount of suppression takes it away


Why are you the way that you are

Who has the fault here

How did you not notice you were this flawed

When did you become like this

Where do you think you can get by being this way


Just shut up already

Anger doesn’t solve anything 

I can’t help it

Well try

I’m trying, I’m trying, I’ve been trying and I’m still trying but here I am

Doesn’t take a day to get there

I know, doesn’t make it any easier

Never said it would be easy

So chill, don’t pressure me, what about my little progress 

Little, long way to go 


You’ll have slip ups

I’ll be here to beat you up 

Just accept it and move 

There’s not much else you can do

But don’t give in 

Or you’ll bear the loss

You have the rest of your life ahead


And if I die tomorrow 

Then you tried, it’s not in vain

I want to sleep 

Goodnight 

Don’t disturb me in my dreams 



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Adedoyin Adewole
Wednesday 17 August 2022

THOUGHT PROCESS

I hate how I can’t sleep within five minutes of closing my eyes

I hate the intrusive thoughts

The sudden waves of sadness for no reason 

Or the imaginations that will never come to reality 

I hate the tossing and turning

The strange feeling that builds up from my chest and travels down to my knees 

Causing me to think my legs are about to explode 


I hate the three hours it takes for me to go to sleep

On the nights when I don’t want to read 

Or listen to music

Or watch something 

Or talk

Or laugh at memes

Because I simply want some peace and quiet 

But what do I do when the quiet disturbs me


 I love the ten minutes before I finally go to sleep

The thoughts of something new to do

When I awake from my rest 

The ideas that come rushing at me

Making the hours of torment worth it



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Adedoyin Adewole
Wednesday 17 August 2022

MAYBE I’M IMAGINING THINGS

Maybe I’m imagining things 

You said I was beautiful hoping I’d get thrills 

I thought I heard wrong and felt chills

Maybe I’m imagining things 


You said I was beautiful hoping I’d get thrills

I remembered you had a wife and kids

Maybe I’m imagining things 

I wanted to fly away but remembered I had no wings


I remembered you had a wife and kids

My mother said it wasn’t important as she cooked on the grill

I wanted to fly away but remembered I had no wings

Maybe I’m imagining things


My mother said it wasn’t important as she cooked on the grill

It seemed important to me when you forced me against my will

Maybe I’m imagining things

It didn’t seem that way when I was the object of your sins 


It seemed important to me when you forced me against my will

Time seemed to stand still

It didn’t seem that way when I was the object of your sins

Maybe I’m imagining things 



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Adedoyin Adewole
Wednesday 17 August 2022

UNTITLED

I was born with a seal on my mouth

I would never shout

I was born with big eyes and small lips

I see but I didn’t speak

They tried to break the seal

But my lips wouldn’t give 

I loved the seal on my mouth 

They hated the seal on my mouth

I didn’t care

Until the day I needed to speak

But found myself lost 

Making me hate the seal

I tried to remove the seal for them

I checked and saw a little space 

At the corner of my lips 

But they didn’t see

And then it came to me

That I won’t remove the seal for them

I’ll remove it for me

I was born with a seal on my mouth

And half of it is gone now



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Adedoyin Adewole
Wednesday 17 August 2022

CREATURE

Fear is a creature in the corner of my ceiling 

I look up and see it morning and evening 

Some days I ignore it

Other days I look up hoping it runs away

As I carry on with my day


I get used to your presence and I feel when you’re near 

I say hello even when I’m scared


I see you in my dreams

You crawl over me

The same way you did

When I was a kid

Making me jump off my bed

Screaming and waking up the rest

Of the people in my room

They must think I’m just a fool

But they don’t know you the way I do


One day you crawled from the ceiling to the wall

I was reading a book and listening to a song

I don’t know how I saw you but I jumped 

I was on the floor, my book was in my hand

You crawled from the wall to my pillow and down to my bag

I screamed as you moved, I couldn’t decide what to do

Then I killed you with my book


Not knowing what I felt

I lay at the edge of the bed

Wondering if that was the end

I woke up every hour of the night 

The feeling of my hair on my skin put me in a fright


Fear is like the spider in the corner of my ceiling 



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Adedoyin Adewole
Wednesday 17 August 2022

7:30 AM

I woke up to the sound of my alarm

I woke up wanting to go back to sleep

I had a dream

The kind of dream that makes you think

About life and what it means to be

Standing in the middle of nowhere

Peering into the distance 

Searching for true meaning 

I wanted to go back to sleep

I don’t think that was the end of the dream



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Adedoyin Adewole
Wednesday 17 August 2022

STAINED

Glass on the floor

Blood on the wall

Why don’t I just run away

It hurts to stay

And it’ll hurt to leave

But what’s more important 

My life or my love


Is it really worth it

Or am I just suffering 

Is this what love is like

Is this worth the sacrifice 

Is this worth the pain I feel

Is this just part of compromise 

You hurt me 

With the same hands you use to love me

I remember those days

I said I’ll never be a fool for love

But here I am staring at the wall

Tainted with my own blood 



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Adedoyin Adewole
Wednesday 17 August 2022

CONFLICTED SOUL

A familiar disturbance in the dead of night

I just want to sleep

I don’t want to feel the guilt

All I can see is red

I’m stained with blood and it’s not mine

Before you judge remember 

I had no choice

And I live with this everyday 

But you have no idea of the weight on my shoulders 

It sounds ridiculous, yes

Depends on the angle you view it from

I had to

I had no choice

It’s not my fault 

The mantra I keep singing in my head

Even I wonder if that’s true or if I’m deceiving myself 



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Adedoyin Adewole
Wednesday 17 August 2022

September 9th

I see, then I hear

I feel the warmth and sense the chill that’s near

I freeze and then come the tears 

Everything is bitter

I’m lost

I’m torn

I’m confused 

Then I awake

And it’s too late


Memories of September 9th and everything after

I just want to sleep

So why am I still thinking 

And why is my heart still bleeding 

Don’t plague me

Just let me be

I’m sorry 

And just when I thought it was over

You came back to punish me another night 



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Adedoyin Adewole
Wednesday 17 August 2022

MOTIVE

Actions or intentions

What do you fear most?


Was it rational or illogical;

Good or bad;

Worth it or worthless;

Meaningful or vain;

I always wonder

Cause I can’t see the motive

I don’t know what the inspiration or drive was

So why then do we assume

Then judge based on an assumption that we don’t know to be correct

When we only see a part of the full picture 



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Adedoyin Adewole
Wednesday 17 August 2022

BLAME

I picked a little pebble and had a thought 

Then I dropped it in the lake

I watched the ripple and thought it was beautiful 

And I was happy that I could do that


But no one saw that

Then I saw another ripple 

A better one

And it didn’t come from me

I tried not to look but I couldn’t help it

And I stopped trying 


The thought came back to me 

And it was better

I’m not going to lie and say my wave is the biggest now

But it’s something 

And I’m happy about it



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Adedoyin Adewole
Wednesday 17 August 2022

PEBBLE

I picked a little pebble and had a thought 

Then I dropped it in the lake

I watched the ripple and thought it was beautiful 

And I was happy that I could do that


But no one saw that

Then I saw another ripple 

A better one

And it didn’t come from me

I tried not to look but I couldn’t help it

And I stopped trying 


The thought came back to me 

And it was better

I’m not going to lie and say my wave is the biggest now

But it’s something 

And I’m happy about it



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Adedoyin Adewole
Wednesday 17 August 2022

BLAME

They have their part and I have mine

They did this to me and I let them

And maybe I regret it now but what can I do

It’s not that easy to move on

So who takes the blame?

Me?

Them?

I don’t think I care about whose fault it is

I just want to move from this even though it’ll fuck me up for life

And I know I’m not the only one

But maybe it gets better

We’ll see



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Adedoyin Adewole
Wednesday 17 August 2022

BURNING

I’m burning inside

I always keep the flames in

Cause when I try to let it out

My throat hurts from all that heat

And I just get enraged 

But I don’t let it out

And don’t you dare tell me it’s not healthy

I know that already 

But what do you expect me to do

Cry? Shout? Scream?

You won’t even understand so what’s the point

Just let me be

Leave me in my silence

I’ll end up blaming myself anyway

And when I cool off it’s not like you’ll know anything happened in the first place.



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Adedoyin Adewole
Wednesday 17 August 2022

SILENCE

The silence is getting louder and I’m not sure I can break it

I try to speak but to no avail

Say something ! A word is enough 

I just wish I’d do something 

I’ve been through this a million times but it’s still the same

The silence is too loud and I might be too late

My words are muffled up and it all passes before me

The moment is gone and I’m left staring, bewildered 

I really hope this is the last time

But I don’t trust myself that much.



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